|
I’ve been hurt before…
I’ve had my trust in others proven misguided,
All kinds of relationships have subsided,
And for every single one there’s a scratch or scar that
shows it.
As a result I’ve changed my mind about a few thing.
I love within certain boundaries,
I care only for those who care about me,
And anything beyond that… Well that’s just too risky.
I’m told to love a little more, give a little more,
But it’s too frightening to leave my fears at the door
Because fear acts as a bandage to cover what happened before,
And now protects against the “certainty” of the on-coming pain in store
 The thoughts of the past raise whirlwinds in my mind
And even the things I thought I’d left behind,
They’re still there!
Particles of emotional residue rise with every wind-like memory to
continually remind
That I’m not quite over that yet
But it’s ok…
I’m ok…
I seem ok…
I think I’m ok…
I can smile it off so that’s ok… right?
It’s ok till I’m required to show you love
Because at that point where I attempt to care for you without
reservation,
I can’t,
And when I’m requested to love beyond my limitations,
It’s hard!
Not because I hate you, but because you unknowingly remind
me of the past.
You remind me of the friend that disclosed my secrets and
betrayed me.
You remind me of that guy that never knew that I knew he was
lying to me.
You remind me of the one disguised as a “buddy” who only
came to use me,
And though in reality you bear no real similarity,
My blurry-eyed mind keeps thinking “you’re just like them.”
They say “sorry” is the hardest word, but I think “forgive”
is harder
Because when I say "sorry", most of the time I know where I’m
coming from,
But to forgive is a tricky one,
Because when I think the situation is all gone and done
Subconsciously flashbacks of old memories come.
They subtly take me back to every dispute, every hurt
feeling,
Every part of my emotional state that I didn’t even know
needed healing,
And though I can laugh with you and say I’ve forgiven
Deep down, if I’m honest, I didn’t.
It was just hidden.
And now every other friend, potential life partner,
And as shameful as it is to say, even God the Father
Gets only the little bit of my heart that I’ve scrimped and scraped
from this mess,
Because unaddressed unforgiveness makes me give less.
This isn’t really living…
It’s protecting myself and guarding my own heart,
Which in some cases is where many good things start,
But in other cases just leaves me looking inwardly
When in reality, every display of love is to act unselfishly.
It’s designed to take care of the other person’s needs
But I’m stuck here still looking at me,
And though I never considered myself a selfish being
When I look and mine are the only feelings I choose to see
Me saying I’m unselfish in contradictory
So where’s the balance?...
If I only care for myself, that’s wrong of me
And I’ll fail to love others exactly as I should be
But at the same time, loving you results in vulnerability
And being completely stripped, ultimately
Somehow still, I want to go for this ride to that place
called “love”
Jump in this car and let my emotions just take me everywhere
And live life without any fear…
Though I know one day, (I don’t know when)
I’m going to be required to give my all to love again
And when that day comes I’ll say
“Stop this car. Drop me off here please,
And yes it’s ok, you can leave”
And I’ll stand out there in that vast open plain
Susceptible to the elements of openness,
Vulnerability and possible pain
As I learn what it is to love without restraint
And challenge myself to forgive again.
And even in the face of the danger of damaged trust
Me living at the mercy of love is a total must
Because I see that love another “a little better” probably
isn’t enough
I need to go one step further and choose to be abandoned in
Love
Love is not about how much we gain or even how much we may feel we might lose. It's about how much we can willingly, actively give to another for their sake rather than ours... Love as Christ loved you... John13:34-35 Eph 5:1-2
I'll do my best to love you
Tulee. x
 |
Subscribe to this comment's feed
Show/hide comments
Glad you enjoyed it. I'm still learning what it is to do this properly, I hope we all find the right way to love like Jesus would want us to. 
Newsletter
Twitter
FaceBook
We all struggle to understand and grasp love but what grates me the most is my inability to articulate it outwardly. Why do I end up in the same place all the time? Lacking the same things...
Is the the blueprint? If so, then the only way to rectify what I see as a flaw in me, is to go back to the artist...
Help me and us, precious Lord, to become living definitions of your love, irrespective of our past hurts or mishaps!
Thanks Tulee, very challenging indeed!
x x x